I chose to get involved with the junior high ministry because:
I wanted to get out of my own world, which was becoming smaller and narrower by every day I was living selfishly.
A sense of duty
I have been impacted so greatly by selfless leaders that decide to invest wisdom in me and my junior high friends.
A need expressed in a random email I received
Why I kept doing it for a year:
Because every day is different
Because I made a commitment
Because I started to love those girls
Because some days were absolutely irreplaceable
There is no script. You have to go every day, and expect the unexpected. Sometimes amazing things, other time hard things.
I have asked myself: will I continue after these two years, after my girls graduate into 9th grade?
I don't know yet.
I have experienced such a different junior high season. I dealt with things differently.
I am so tempted to withdraw within myself when things get loud. I can't deal with constant loud noise that potentially can be stopped.
I most often feel like I don't fit in or there is no room for me when I am supposed to lead a conversation, but the girls have way to many things to say of course.
I say it once, sometimes I ask twice to stay on track with the topic and not talk over me... but I just can't repeat myself over and over.
Do I even have anything to give, to say, to offer?
My talking only when I have something to say doesn't ay off right away. Or not visibly.
I have seen girls blossom under my own eyes because I let them be, serve by driving, be there anyway because I had no other place to go but camp together, listen, be human, be firm when needed, rarely, when there was no other way.
They love me anyway. It's weird. We meet and the girls are excited to see me. I just show up. I often still wonder: what am I doing here? What is my role in this mambo-jumbo?
I love them too. In a weird frustrating corky journey I decided to go with them on... for at least two years.
Maybe a decision will be made for me... due to circumstances.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
tabara pe riu
Ar fi trebuit sa scriu cand toate imi erau proaspete in memorie. S-au mai domolit gandurile si simtamntele noi acumulate.
Dar niciodata nu-i prea tarziu.
Cand scriu, ma simt vulnerabila, si totusi o fac iar si iar.
Aseara m-am intalnit iar cu adolescentii. In grupul mic cateodata scot la iveala din mine o dorinta apriga de a evada. Nu vreau sa fiu in competitie cu vocile lor. ma enerveaza lipsa lor de respect. Ca si adolescent nu am simtit niciodata nevoia sa ma integrez, si am putt oricand sa fiu un simplu observator sau sa ma retrag cand am avut chef, si asa nu a trebuit sa fac concesii in legatura cu cine sunt si cum simt sau ce spun.
in fin, acestea sunt sentimente proaspete de aseara.
daca ar fi sa ma uit in urma la cele 5 zile petrecute in salbaticie... aia e o alta poveste.
am condus o masna 9 ore dus si 9 ore intors, si am avut in grija 7 fete.
nu a trebuit sa fac conversatie multa, cel putin nu in masina, dar am apucat sa le cunosc mai bine pe fete si sa le indragesc. 11 ani media devarsta. personalitati puternice, incapatanate, unele mature altele rasfatate. a trebuit de cateva ori sa pun piciorul in prag in legatura cu aranjamentele in masina si cine sta in fata. sau cand sa faca liniste in masina.
cate despre timpul la munte, in natura, in salbaticie, zipline, catarat pe copaci, dat cu parca pe apa involburata, inotat intr-un rau rece si cu curenti... ce aventura. intotat intr-o cascada rece de mnte, impotriva curentului...
dacacitul copiilor, trezitul noaptea cu copii care au vomat, cu deshidratare, cu amintitul sa le dau ce pastila ia fiecare si la ce ora, dusul a toaleta. m-am trezit de odata parinte, peste noapte, fara sa ma astept. nu-i deloc munca usoara.
mi-am amintit de noptile in care am trezit-o pe mama, din cauza durerilor de dinti. si ea cu rabdare si blandete m-a ingrijit. nciodata nu si-a pierdut rabdarea and am folt bolnava, si m-a tinut in brate cand plangeam, nu de durere fizica ci de smiorcaiala.
ce imi place la implicarea asta in lucrarea cu adolescentii e ca imi ies din mine, nu ma mai concentrez pe propriul meu cerculet din viata. slujesc cum pot pe altii. imi dau seama cat de mperfecta sunt cand sunt cu ei, ca scot din mine mustul, si ma fac sa gandesc, sa ii abordez pe limba lor si totusi cu maturitate. sa indoi vointa cuiva ii cel mai greu lucru posibil. mai ales daca au vointe incapatanate. chiar daca tu le vrei binele si poate ei o stiu deja, totusi, interactiunea cu zece adolescente, fiecare diferite, fiecare intr-un alt sezon din viata, cu povestea lor, cu bagajul lor, cu personalitatea lor... toate sunt ingrediente pentru a o lua razna. daca nu le dau drumul din mana, si in timp ce pun umarul la zidire, il las pe domnul sa ne arate si mie si lor calea.
a fost minunat si teribil de greu in tabara. si ma bucur ca am avut aceasta ocazie sa merg cu ei, si sa petrecem in linste in jurul focului de tabara, sa inotam impreuna, sa ne cataram in copaci, sa dormim sub cerul liber, sa cantam si sa mancam bunatati.
Dar niciodata nu-i prea tarziu.
Cand scriu, ma simt vulnerabila, si totusi o fac iar si iar.
Aseara m-am intalnit iar cu adolescentii. In grupul mic cateodata scot la iveala din mine o dorinta apriga de a evada. Nu vreau sa fiu in competitie cu vocile lor. ma enerveaza lipsa lor de respect. Ca si adolescent nu am simtit niciodata nevoia sa ma integrez, si am putt oricand sa fiu un simplu observator sau sa ma retrag cand am avut chef, si asa nu a trebuit sa fac concesii in legatura cu cine sunt si cum simt sau ce spun.
in fin, acestea sunt sentimente proaspete de aseara.
daca ar fi sa ma uit in urma la cele 5 zile petrecute in salbaticie... aia e o alta poveste.
am condus o masna 9 ore dus si 9 ore intors, si am avut in grija 7 fete.
nu a trebuit sa fac conversatie multa, cel putin nu in masina, dar am apucat sa le cunosc mai bine pe fete si sa le indragesc. 11 ani media devarsta. personalitati puternice, incapatanate, unele mature altele rasfatate. a trebuit de cateva ori sa pun piciorul in prag in legatura cu aranjamentele in masina si cine sta in fata. sau cand sa faca liniste in masina.
cate despre timpul la munte, in natura, in salbaticie, zipline, catarat pe copaci, dat cu parca pe apa involburata, inotat intr-un rau rece si cu curenti... ce aventura. intotat intr-o cascada rece de mnte, impotriva curentului...
dacacitul copiilor, trezitul noaptea cu copii care au vomat, cu deshidratare, cu amintitul sa le dau ce pastila ia fiecare si la ce ora, dusul a toaleta. m-am trezit de odata parinte, peste noapte, fara sa ma astept. nu-i deloc munca usoara.
mi-am amintit de noptile in care am trezit-o pe mama, din cauza durerilor de dinti. si ea cu rabdare si blandete m-a ingrijit. nciodata nu si-a pierdut rabdarea and am folt bolnava, si m-a tinut in brate cand plangeam, nu de durere fizica ci de smiorcaiala.
ce imi place la implicarea asta in lucrarea cu adolescentii e ca imi ies din mine, nu ma mai concentrez pe propriul meu cerculet din viata. slujesc cum pot pe altii. imi dau seama cat de mperfecta sunt cand sunt cu ei, ca scot din mine mustul, si ma fac sa gandesc, sa ii abordez pe limba lor si totusi cu maturitate. sa indoi vointa cuiva ii cel mai greu lucru posibil. mai ales daca au vointe incapatanate. chiar daca tu le vrei binele si poate ei o stiu deja, totusi, interactiunea cu zece adolescente, fiecare diferite, fiecare intr-un alt sezon din viata, cu povestea lor, cu bagajul lor, cu personalitatea lor... toate sunt ingrediente pentru a o lua razna. daca nu le dau drumul din mana, si in timp ce pun umarul la zidire, il las pe domnul sa ne arate si mie si lor calea.
a fost minunat si teribil de greu in tabara. si ma bucur ca am avut aceasta ocazie sa merg cu ei, si sa petrecem in linste in jurul focului de tabara, sa inotam impreuna, sa ne cataram in copaci, sa dormim sub cerul liber, sa cantam si sa mancam bunatati.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
balanta
lucruri care ma emotionau sau imi ajungeau usor panain strafundul inimii, acum ma lasa rece, sau cu greu ma misca.
sunt intr-o rutina si o satisfactie profesionala care nu ma provoaca la frustrare sau durere sau extaz. sunt multumita unde sunt, si gndul la a face un salt de credinta nu mi se pare atragator. nici chiar joaca in piscina nu are acelasi gust ca acum, sa zicem 3 ani. imi place comfortul, nu vreau sa dau usuratatea prezentului pe discomfortul umezelii care vine odata cu joaca si cu saltul in piscina. e un joc de cuvinte, de contexte.. ma simt lenesa. oboseala de la lucru, care imi da multe satisfactii pe de o parte, insa pe de alta imi inhiba cheful si energia de a face altceva. inca mai cred ca munca in continuu, munca de 40+ de ore pe saptamana e prea mult. e asa de usor sa imi pierd din vedere lucrurile care conteaza. lucrul ii bun si plateste comfortul mult dorit in timpul liber, dar iar nu mai am timp sa simt, nu mai am timp sa meditez, sa gandesc, sa scriu. aiurelile care le-am scris in ultima vreme su resturi de ganduri, nemeditate, ne-mestecate, nu au estenta... of of of.
balanta mult dorita in viata.
sunt intr-o rutina si o satisfactie profesionala care nu ma provoaca la frustrare sau durere sau extaz. sunt multumita unde sunt, si gndul la a face un salt de credinta nu mi se pare atragator. nici chiar joaca in piscina nu are acelasi gust ca acum, sa zicem 3 ani. imi place comfortul, nu vreau sa dau usuratatea prezentului pe discomfortul umezelii care vine odata cu joaca si cu saltul in piscina. e un joc de cuvinte, de contexte.. ma simt lenesa. oboseala de la lucru, care imi da multe satisfactii pe de o parte, insa pe de alta imi inhiba cheful si energia de a face altceva. inca mai cred ca munca in continuu, munca de 40+ de ore pe saptamana e prea mult. e asa de usor sa imi pierd din vedere lucrurile care conteaza. lucrul ii bun si plateste comfortul mult dorit in timpul liber, dar iar nu mai am timp sa simt, nu mai am timp sa meditez, sa gandesc, sa scriu. aiurelile care le-am scris in ultima vreme su resturi de ganduri, nemeditate, ne-mestecate, nu au estenta... of of of.
balanta mult dorita in viata.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
free and grateful
The stories and thoughts that cross my mind are less interesting when they are not part of a real story.
today at church, during the junior high teaching time we were talking about faith and what is faith based on, and what it means to trust God. and to help the young mind understand this bette, shawn compared the way humanity relates o the genesis, with the way americans relate to the declaration of independence, and what it says about liberty and that the americans are entitled to life, freedom and the pursuit of happiness. and americans are defined by freedom. and this for the past few hundreds of years. meanwhile, european countries have fought to to survive and gain their rights and their freedom. and the fight for survival is still going, in different forms or shapes. resilience is in our system.
and i am happy to see diversity in this world. there is no good or bad heritage. we are who we are because of our history but also we've become who we are today by making personal choices, moral and social and spiritual.
the downfall of it is when we take for granted what we have. and we are all in danger of doing so. most of us take our health for granted, or having food every day or having an internet connection to publish this particular note i'm writing now.
gratefulness is not a feeling that floods your inner being. it starts with a decision to appreciate what you have.
today at church, during the junior high teaching time we were talking about faith and what is faith based on, and what it means to trust God. and to help the young mind understand this bette, shawn compared the way humanity relates o the genesis, with the way americans relate to the declaration of independence, and what it says about liberty and that the americans are entitled to life, freedom and the pursuit of happiness. and americans are defined by freedom. and this for the past few hundreds of years. meanwhile, european countries have fought to to survive and gain their rights and their freedom. and the fight for survival is still going, in different forms or shapes. resilience is in our system.
and i am happy to see diversity in this world. there is no good or bad heritage. we are who we are because of our history but also we've become who we are today by making personal choices, moral and social and spiritual.
the downfall of it is when we take for granted what we have. and we are all in danger of doing so. most of us take our health for granted, or having food every day or having an internet connection to publish this particular note i'm writing now.
gratefulness is not a feeling that floods your inner being. it starts with a decision to appreciate what you have.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
comparison
one thing that romanians (easter europeans) are is: resilient. and another thing my fellow americans are is carefree. both young groups of people party hard in their college days. the alcohol plays a bigger part in the american culture compared to the romanian one.
on a different not, the american young people get a job when they are 16, and they get paid by an employer. the romanian crew works in the family business: at the grandparents field and their sole reward is a good meal at the end of the day, which they learn to be very grateful for.
money come by easy early, and frugality is a foreign concept here.
and for peet's sake, everybody has an opinion about everybody here, and peer pressure is as real as the sun, throughout the entire life. as a teenager you are more vulnerable to it, but the peer pressure never end: in the work environment, there is the pressure to go hangout with everybody else, and party for one reason or another. i'm still not in that habit. when you are a new mom, all the other moms give advice and talk talk talk about how they do things with their babies and how early should a baby learn to speak read and write. what school to take him to etc. and i'm talking here about the american culture. back in romania, back in the days, if you kept your child healthy and well fed you were alright.
i learned to read and write when i was 7, after i went to school. in kindergarden we learned to draw lines and circles and play and draw more. I think my intelligence has nothing to do with how early i learned to read.
i occasionally meet romanians in my store and i get to talk to them. the hardship of life rolled of their backs. they have the most dramatic stories and yet they have an ease in their eyes and they laugh at life and all the things they have to overcome daily. on a different note, it is rather refreshing to met carefree people, whose ideals and spirit had nothing dragging them down, and they just blossomed and blossomed in faith and courage ... and these are my fellow americans. playful and carefree.
on a different not, the american young people get a job when they are 16, and they get paid by an employer. the romanian crew works in the family business: at the grandparents field and their sole reward is a good meal at the end of the day, which they learn to be very grateful for.
money come by easy early, and frugality is a foreign concept here.
and for peet's sake, everybody has an opinion about everybody here, and peer pressure is as real as the sun, throughout the entire life. as a teenager you are more vulnerable to it, but the peer pressure never end: in the work environment, there is the pressure to go hangout with everybody else, and party for one reason or another. i'm still not in that habit. when you are a new mom, all the other moms give advice and talk talk talk about how they do things with their babies and how early should a baby learn to speak read and write. what school to take him to etc. and i'm talking here about the american culture. back in romania, back in the days, if you kept your child healthy and well fed you were alright.
i learned to read and write when i was 7, after i went to school. in kindergarden we learned to draw lines and circles and play and draw more. I think my intelligence has nothing to do with how early i learned to read.
i occasionally meet romanians in my store and i get to talk to them. the hardship of life rolled of their backs. they have the most dramatic stories and yet they have an ease in their eyes and they laugh at life and all the things they have to overcome daily. on a different note, it is rather refreshing to met carefree people, whose ideals and spirit had nothing dragging them down, and they just blossomed and blossomed in faith and courage ... and these are my fellow americans. playful and carefree.
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