Tuesday, September 27, 2011
My mom
I share things with people, and then instead of getting them off my chest, i think about them even more.
Like this fact, that has been need and tear to me, that my mom never told me that I'm beautiful. it sounds awkward in romanian I guess. People don't shower each other with compliments back home. we started doing this a little bit in my group of bible study girls, in Cluj. people just didn't comment much on appearance. or not that i remember of. I had a hard time taking a compliment in college. I would always give an explanation or negate the compliment. i had to catch myself and just say thank you when someone said they liked my ... (fill in the blanks).
Back to my mom, she never said that i'm beautiful. I secretly hoped and a believed I am. just because beanpole that matter never told me that i'm ugly.
But why did it never bother me?
And it hit me this weekend. Because my mom liked me. I remember her looking at me smiling, touching my hair with her beautiful hand, and i think she was proud of me... for something. I was independent, I worked hard, sometimes she would encourage me to take a break from studying, and take a day off from school. She was real. she never followed a script, and for some reason I could tell she was real, and I loved her for that. I now she still feels like she should have done more, she should have studied more books on how to raise teenagers, but I think she did an amazing job, because she loved God with all her heart, and she loved me, and she was real. My mom is still amazing. and goofy and random... :)
Like this fact, that has been need and tear to me, that my mom never told me that I'm beautiful. it sounds awkward in romanian I guess. People don't shower each other with compliments back home. we started doing this a little bit in my group of bible study girls, in Cluj. people just didn't comment much on appearance. or not that i remember of. I had a hard time taking a compliment in college. I would always give an explanation or negate the compliment. i had to catch myself and just say thank you when someone said they liked my ... (fill in the blanks).
Back to my mom, she never said that i'm beautiful. I secretly hoped and a believed I am. just because beanpole that matter never told me that i'm ugly.
But why did it never bother me?
And it hit me this weekend. Because my mom liked me. I remember her looking at me smiling, touching my hair with her beautiful hand, and i think she was proud of me... for something. I was independent, I worked hard, sometimes she would encourage me to take a break from studying, and take a day off from school. She was real. she never followed a script, and for some reason I could tell she was real, and I loved her for that. I now she still feels like she should have done more, she should have studied more books on how to raise teenagers, but I think she did an amazing job, because she loved God with all her heart, and she loved me, and she was real. My mom is still amazing. and goofy and random... :)
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Coming back from Tahoe retreat
Tahoe trip
The main thing I have in common with the junior high leaders and kids is Jesus and the cross. Bottom line, that's what it all boils to. Different culture, different church, different junior high experience, and different personalities.
But I love serving alongside this group. They are simply amazing. Funny, carrying, unique and interesting, with a strong love for Jesus and a deep faith.
We all gather around this purpose, this goal, to serve and lead the junior highers.
My take aways this weekend.
I have grown do much in my shoes as a small group leader. I realize now that I have been waiting for their validations and acceptance in the group. Even expecting them to quietly accept what I have to say.
I realize now that they look up to me, not the other way around.
My story matters, as a base line of who I am and how I can impact them, my story with Jesus, but it's their voice that needs to be heard and journey of faith to be traveled.
I sometimes get so wrapped up in my own history, and I hope and expect them to relate to hid the same way as I did. Reading the bible, letting God speak to me through psalms and proverbs, and all the other stories. I was the quiet one who journaled and processed things in silence.
Now I have to just be flexible and expect the unexpected. Learn to communicate with the thinker, the crisis make, the distracter, the talker, the bible geek etc.
I do love and like my girls.
I don't always know how to relate to them. But they have changed my life by being in it, and I believe I have influenced theirs a little bit.
The main thing I have in common with the junior high leaders and kids is Jesus and the cross. Bottom line, that's what it all boils to. Different culture, different church, different junior high experience, and different personalities.
But I love serving alongside this group. They are simply amazing. Funny, carrying, unique and interesting, with a strong love for Jesus and a deep faith.
We all gather around this purpose, this goal, to serve and lead the junior highers.
My take aways this weekend.
I have grown do much in my shoes as a small group leader. I realize now that I have been waiting for their validations and acceptance in the group. Even expecting them to quietly accept what I have to say.
I realize now that they look up to me, not the other way around.
My story matters, as a base line of who I am and how I can impact them, my story with Jesus, but it's their voice that needs to be heard and journey of faith to be traveled.
I sometimes get so wrapped up in my own history, and I hope and expect them to relate to hid the same way as I did. Reading the bible, letting God speak to me through psalms and proverbs, and all the other stories. I was the quiet one who journaled and processed things in silence.
Now I have to just be flexible and expect the unexpected. Learn to communicate with the thinker, the crisis make, the distracter, the talker, the bible geek etc.
I do love and like my girls.
I don't always know how to relate to them. But they have changed my life by being in it, and I believe I have influenced theirs a little bit.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
At peace
About babies. And about dreams and hopes.
These past few months Conrad and I have purposefully tried to conceive. And as that time of month approached, I caught myself saying, please please please God, let it be this month. Holding my breath, until the verdict was out, always negative.
We all have the tendency and the desire to protect ourselves from disappointment. But how we do it s different from person to person. I know that I rationalize things, I detach myself and look at the issue at hand from afar, as if I tried to look at the whole picture.
I am happy with everything that happened on my journey so far, including and especially the hard times, of financial trouble, of hating my job, of deep depression because of it, of missing home, of making the rash decision of going to Romania in the winter for three months, and just surviving through those times. I am grateful and I truly trust my Script Writer.
After studying the Story of Abraham, and how God promised him a son that all be a blessing for the nations. and from his son. down the linen Jesus was born and /he was a blessing and still is a blessing to the nations, many thousands of years later.
God didn't promise me children. Not that I remember. But God is able and in control of absolutely everything that is within us and happens to us. I caught myself wondering, what if I can't have babies, or what if Conrad can't. or what if our mix isn't catching... and all these questions could undermine my day to day life. I can't spend my time worrying. We can give it time, trust God and just have fun in the mean time.
Open hands, that's how my relationship with God is. I patiently wait for him. Open hand so he can put someting in them or take from them.
I can't and I won't manipulate God. The "Please please please" prayer is a stubborn child's prayer. God knows my heart. He hears my voice.
My work on earth is just in its initial chapter. I know I am impacting lives every day. I represent God's kingdom with every word I say, every serving act, every leading action. I have a purpose already. I pray that one day God will commission me to bring child into this world, I pray that my children will be courageous children of God. But everything else is in God's hands. And that's truly comforting.
I am grateful every day for Conrad, for the blessing of his companionship, for how God uses us in each other's lives to become more like Him.
I am at peace. I am happy. I am grateful. I am already fulfilled. And the journey continues.
These past few months Conrad and I have purposefully tried to conceive. And as that time of month approached, I caught myself saying, please please please God, let it be this month. Holding my breath, until the verdict was out, always negative.
We all have the tendency and the desire to protect ourselves from disappointment. But how we do it s different from person to person. I know that I rationalize things, I detach myself and look at the issue at hand from afar, as if I tried to look at the whole picture.
I am happy with everything that happened on my journey so far, including and especially the hard times, of financial trouble, of hating my job, of deep depression because of it, of missing home, of making the rash decision of going to Romania in the winter for three months, and just surviving through those times. I am grateful and I truly trust my Script Writer.
After studying the Story of Abraham, and how God promised him a son that all be a blessing for the nations. and from his son. down the linen Jesus was born and /he was a blessing and still is a blessing to the nations, many thousands of years later.
God didn't promise me children. Not that I remember. But God is able and in control of absolutely everything that is within us and happens to us. I caught myself wondering, what if I can't have babies, or what if Conrad can't. or what if our mix isn't catching... and all these questions could undermine my day to day life. I can't spend my time worrying. We can give it time, trust God and just have fun in the mean time.
Open hands, that's how my relationship with God is. I patiently wait for him. Open hand so he can put someting in them or take from them.
I can't and I won't manipulate God. The "Please please please" prayer is a stubborn child's prayer. God knows my heart. He hears my voice.
My work on earth is just in its initial chapter. I know I am impacting lives every day. I represent God's kingdom with every word I say, every serving act, every leading action. I have a purpose already. I pray that one day God will commission me to bring child into this world, I pray that my children will be courageous children of God. But everything else is in God's hands. And that's truly comforting.
I am grateful every day for Conrad, for the blessing of his companionship, for how God uses us in each other's lives to become more like Him.
I am at peace. I am happy. I am grateful. I am already fulfilled. And the journey continues.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Half the church
I just finished reading half the church. I feel inspired and even more stubborn and courageous and determined. I can make a difference in the world. I want to make a difference. The abuse of weaker people in the world enrages me. Children, women, little boys and girls. And this rage I feel is holy.
When I was little I envisioned myself lifting the mean bad people by their collar, surprising then with my strength and threatening then that if they ever do a bad thing again, they will be severely punished. And I will make sure of it.
Funny how I still feel the same today. I have had the chance to confront people and hold my ground. God is my strength, emotional and physical.
When I was little I envisioned myself lifting the mean bad people by their collar, surprising then with my strength and threatening then that if they ever do a bad thing again, they will be severely punished. And I will make sure of it.
Funny how I still feel the same today. I have had the chance to confront people and hold my ground. God is my strength, emotional and physical.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Assessment
I am rebellious, stubborn, courageous, inquisitive, creative, giggly, defying, independent, chic, graceful in adapting to new cultures and contexts, smart, definitely smart and humble. I know who I am, and what my purpose is in the world. I speak up and i respect silence.
Women in the world. Women in Romania, women in America.
I am reading a delicious, challenging book called "half the church".
And right now it talk about Ezer, the name God called the first woman, as a helper of the first man. The suitable helper. And the definitions of this word in different contexts of the bible, in the old testament. And how it is used as a army term, and god called himself the Ezer of Israel, as he came to it's rescue from the enemies. Strong helper.
That is how I feel fir Conrad. His companion, his strong helper. Te one who loves and challenges him. I am definitely not a dependent, a liability, financial or emotional. we are all gifted in different ways, as women, as men or as couples.
It scares me how independent I am sometimes. My life happens so much outside of my house, and I knew work will keep my husband and I physically apart, but now my ministry is taking over the little free time I have. I am fulfilled, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially ... And the little time I still get to spend with Conrad it's wonderful, but I miss him. He is now, on the balcony, on the Pampazon chair, reading. The wind is blowing, and it smells like fall, maybe because of the fog hasn't lifted yet. It's September.
We just came back from church and I have to leave in an hour to meet with the junior high staffers. I worked yesterday ... All day.
I am fighting to find a balance in my life: church, work, family, friends, time to be by myself, God...
Next weekend I am in Tahoe, again away from Conrad. Our married life is happy and stable and rich... And yet I always crave for more time with him. There is that nagging feeling that I don't even notice that time flies by, because everything I am involved in is so engaging and fulfilling, but I have been confronted by him, for spending so much time away from him. When half of my weekend is without fail spent at work, and half of Sunday is spent with junior high and church....
I am happy and challenged.
Women in the world. Women in Romania, women in America.
I am reading a delicious, challenging book called "half the church".
And right now it talk about Ezer, the name God called the first woman, as a helper of the first man. The suitable helper. And the definitions of this word in different contexts of the bible, in the old testament. And how it is used as a army term, and god called himself the Ezer of Israel, as he came to it's rescue from the enemies. Strong helper.
That is how I feel fir Conrad. His companion, his strong helper. Te one who loves and challenges him. I am definitely not a dependent, a liability, financial or emotional. we are all gifted in different ways, as women, as men or as couples.
It scares me how independent I am sometimes. My life happens so much outside of my house, and I knew work will keep my husband and I physically apart, but now my ministry is taking over the little free time I have. I am fulfilled, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially ... And the little time I still get to spend with Conrad it's wonderful, but I miss him. He is now, on the balcony, on the Pampazon chair, reading. The wind is blowing, and it smells like fall, maybe because of the fog hasn't lifted yet. It's September.
We just came back from church and I have to leave in an hour to meet with the junior high staffers. I worked yesterday ... All day.
I am fighting to find a balance in my life: church, work, family, friends, time to be by myself, God...
Next weekend I am in Tahoe, again away from Conrad. Our married life is happy and stable and rich... And yet I always crave for more time with him. There is that nagging feeling that I don't even notice that time flies by, because everything I am involved in is so engaging and fulfilling, but I have been confronted by him, for spending so much time away from him. When half of my weekend is without fail spent at work, and half of Sunday is spent with junior high and church....
I am happy and challenged.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
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