I think of things - Abraham's story and journey

Today, during Shawn’s sermon I wanted to pull my phone up and start writing a note.
He talks about Abraham and his journey of learning to trust God. From the moment e leave Ur, away from his cousin Lot. And he travels, guided by God, along with his wife Sara. And How he worships God along the way. And God takes care of him. And how he reaches Canaan, and worships God there, but the famine came and he goes to Egypt, not led by God but led by his hunger. And then. led by fear, he makes Sara lie, and say she is his Sister so the Faro won’t kill him. But it turns out, God doesn’t like this lie. And instead of punishing Abraham, he punishes the Faro, killing his stock. Then Abraham confesses that he did lie, and Sara, who was made Faro’s wife, now returns to Abraham, so God would not punish the Faro anymore.

God promised Abraham that he will bless the nations through his seed. but he was getting old, and so was his wife. He trusted God, but time was passing. It’s hard to wait on God. So hard. Eventually, the three angels also make it clear that he will have a son, and Sara laughs. Laughs at the though that she, and old lady will have a son.

In the mean time, impatience pushes Sara to make a rash decision, and give his servant to procreate with Abraham. This is how Ishmael is born, the father of Irak Iran, the countries always fighting with Israel, ever since.

When eventually God gives Abraham a son, Isaac, God asks for him as a sacrifice, on the Moria mountain. And Abraham, obeys. He travels 50 miles with his son carrying his wood needed for the sacrifice, just like Jesus carrying his Cross.

As I was listening to Shawn today, it crossed my mind that God sometimes invites us to sacrifice our idols. Before sacrificing his son, Abraham sacrificed his idol in his heart. He was ready to give it up to God, so he didn’t have to lose his son after all.

I am not in the business of guessing Gods plan, even though, at times, I admit, it is tempting. I know him well enough I think, to estimate his next move, to think of what he thinks, and I know very well that this is one arrogant move. I don’t dwell on it.

We have our idols and ideals and hopes, and just like the old saying, you find what you are looking for when you give up looking, because you finally have the time to see rather than squinting at your idea of dream or of a plan.

lunch with halie and my new haircut

Flori de ziua parintilor... si schimbari in casa

Azi mi-am spus povestea

Azi mi-am spus poveste. un rezumat mai bine zis. Am avut scena doar pentru mine. Dar am spus doar un pic din cine sunt eu. Relevant pentru audienta. Am vorbit despre un eveniment important la 12 ani, cand m-am intors de la munte, chiar inainte de craciun, tabara cu Leonte, unde eu eram unul dintre cei mai tineri participanti. M-am intors acasa, si tata pregatea un porc, mai bne zis imparte carnea pe pachete, mamaera la lucru, Dani era la Cluj... si eu ma simteam teribil de singura. Partasia cu fratii din tabara mi-a lasat in minte un gand cald, despre omniprezenta lui Dumnezeu. Nu voiam sa mai fiu singura. Eram insetata sa il simt pe Dumnezeu prezent, nu doar pe moment. Il vroiam ca o prezenta constanta in viata mea. Stiam ca viata mea nu ii sfanta. Inca ma mai mustra constiinta pentru cel ou de pasti furat de la matusa (era frumos colorat). Mi l-ar fi dat cu drag daca il ceream. Nu stiu ce-mi veni sa fur un ou. Am furat bani de la tata, ca sa imi cumpar dulciuri, ciocolata si banane. Daca ii ceream imi dadea. Am frut dar sa iau eu cu mana mea. Oricum, una peste alta, m-a mustrat constiinta teribil, desi lucrurile acestea le-am facut cand aveam doar 6 ani - 8 ani. In noaptea aceea am adormit plangand, rugandu-ma fierbinte. Rugandu-l Pe Dumnezeu sa ma ierte de tot ce am gresit si sa nu stea la distanta de mine din cauza pacatelor mele. L-am sitit atunci pe Dumnezeu ma prezent ca niciodata. Ma uit in urma si cred ca sinceritatea mea totala fata de Dumnezeu, a facut loc pentru prezenta lui. Asa mi-am predat eu viata domnului. si calatoria mea impreuna cu el a inceput.

Pentru 10 minute au facut linite cu totii, au stat si au ascultat, vocea mea era clara si limpede. Copiii astia ma indragesc, si la fel si eu pe ei. Stiu prea bine cum ne creste indragirea cuiva pe masura ce ii cunoastem mai bine. si ziua de azi a pecetluit pentru multa vreme relatia mea cu ei. Domnul sa ma ajute sa continui sa-i slujesc dupa voia Lui, sa Il reprezint cu cinste.


O alta parte a povestii mele are legatura cu scoala. cu frica de profesorii severi care ne-au disciplinat prin metode mai putin ortodoxe. Tipatul la noi, lovitul cand eram in scoala primara. din fericire au am primit doar la palma, si nu in cap. domnul invatator tudose ne punea sa inconuram clasa in genuchi daca nu ne faceam temele cum trebuie. profesrii de franceza, de fizica de chimie, de mate, ... de teroare. cu cat erau mai severi cu ata ma incapatanam mai tare sa rezist. dar stiam ca doar pe propriile puteri nu le pot face fata. si in fiecare zi, cu cereri fierbinti il rugam pe Dumnezeu sa nu ma lase singura. sa imi dea curaj. sa imi dea intelepciune sa fac ce e bine, sa imi dea claritate si sa ma ajute sa reproduc in lucrari ceea ce am invatat din greu. eu imi faceam partea cu constiinciozitate, si il rugam pe dumnezeu sa faca restul. m-am alipit cu ardoare de tatal, si am calatorit cu el prin liceu. m-am rugat lui prin psalmi. Cartea psalmilor e preferata mea.
Pot totul in Hristos care ma intareste. O mie sa cada alaturi de mine si zece mii la drapta mea dar de mine nu se voar atinge caci tu esti cu mine. Dumnezeu ostirilor este de partea mea, ce poate sa-mi faca omul?, Toti cei ce nadajduiesc in tine nu vor fi dati de rusine, Nadajduieste in Domnul, fii taere si imbarbateaza-ti inima. Nadajduieste in Domnul, Ferice de omul care se increde in El... daca citesti Psalmii, pe absolut fiecare pagina vine vorba despre increderea in Domnul. si cum el este credincios fata de noi.

Orice face, sa facem ca pentru Domnul. sa traim din plin pentru El, cu curaj si bucurie. Cu pasiune pentru Cer. Liberi si plini de curaj.

Dinner after 9:30 PM ...after work

Conrad waited for me, with a bottle of red and warm yummy dinner

Cellar Door Community dinner in ants Cruz - August 2011

day of rest, doing what I like

Busy day, thinking about my story, about what I am going to say to the junior high on Sunday morning.
Today I did laundry, I cleaned, I rested, I watched mad men, and most importantly I painted. It didn't come out well. And I'm not a perfectionist. It's a big painting, but I had fun doing.
I went swimming, I started cooking dinner... And here I am, waiting for conrad to get home.

I am boring. Nothing I say sounds good. I don't think about what I say. I just spill it out and I take it off my chest. It feels good. just like painting.




Sent from my iPad

Talk to God

Out of the blue, I told Conrad last night: let's pray! He asked: why? And I replied: because we never talk to god anymore, and I fear we take him for granted. His response took me by surprise. He said: I don't take god for granted. I thank him everyday for all his blessings. The health and the jobs we have, the home and Especially you! I thank god for you.
It's funny how we make projections of our own inner journey on others.
I do feel disconnected from god. I feel him very much involved and aware of me. I just am not taking advantage of the peace and calm I get when I sit in his presence. It's my loss for not talking with Him, not letting him to talk back, and hear loud and clear what he has to say.

Discipline vs. instant gratification

We often wonder, whenever we do something: what's in it for me? And when will I be rewarded, and how much?
Discipline is an outdated concept, overly used when I was a young student. "Indisciplinat!" was the worse a teacher could call you.
Discipline takes time and hard work, and a thought process and a plan... but bottom line it takes a lot of work of molding your character. Mastering your own will, understanding what's best for you, even if it doesn't feel good in the moment.
I am thinking about athletes who train and exercise for years, to keep their body disciplined and strengthened. Some of them learn to enjoy the process of disciplining their body.
Either way, we ought to do the same with our minds and spirits.
Everybody talkes these days about how poorly have the romanian students performed at their high school exit exam. Peers that passed this exam say that if the students would have studied just a little bit and have tried to ass this exam, they would have done it.
I personally don't know what happened. I have been so disconnected with the school system in Romania for too many years, but I remember I didn't have time for TV in my last year in school. And I studied hard, and the reward wasn't my average grade, but what I studied and the hard work i invested and the discipline of studying hard. And I didn't know if I will ripe the fruit of my labors. I had to wait for years to see how it paid off to learn to keep my eyes of the goal, and bottom line, every little thing I learned growing up came in handy at some point or a noter. Just like the fairytale stories, and the journey of protagonists.

4 buddies

4 friends, each defined by something different: one defined by music, another by literature and writing, another by sports and yet another one by cars, sports cars. They were all cool. They were friends. They didn't have to have the same interests to spend time together. But then they got married, and the wives were 4 different personalities. They started to hang out less. Life got busy. Then they had kids, and one would think that this new season will bring them back together. But it didn't. Personalities seemed to clash even more.
Now which guy is at fault for losing their community, their support group, their friends? 
They still say hi, and meet now and then, but they forgot each other. 

Santa Cruz

In Santa Cruz, meditand, scriind, citind, odihnindu-mi gandurile.
Aproape de Conrad, si luand cina impreuna cu Ted si compania.

Azi m-am trezit to obosita.. parca as mai fi dormit.
Ma tot gandesc la zilele astea alandala, de lucru, timpul pecare il am nu e pus deoparte pentru mine si conrad. ne tot gandim ca vom avea ocazia sa ne odihnim in germania... dar mai sunt doua luni pana atunci.

Do you ever feel left out?

Life in a community, feeling like an outsider. 
Think about all the messages you have sent in the past. Messages of auto-sufficiency, maybe the insecurity of not belonging made you seem overly confident, which pushed people away.
Funny enough, vulnerability attracts people. And there is something to be said about wanting to be vulnerable with only some people, and not quite everybody. 
When you love your solitude, it's not as stringent the need to be surrounded by friends, but the less social you are the harder it is to get back into the swing of things.
People do forget about you. Life is busy. They don't feel the need to talk to you every week... 
That's why we get paired in groups of 2, through marriage. You acquire a full time companion. 

Getting invited to parties, to bible studies, to exclusive camps... Someone has to remember your name.

What if you give the impression that you believe that you are better than everyone else. You are proud, you talk to much and you act as if you know everything. 
In every relationship you sight to have an ounce of humility, an ounce of courage, wit, patience, learn to be a listener, more than a talker. Don't bad talk anybody, no gossiping! If you do, the friends you'll keep are they themselves the gossiping type. and they will gossip about you when you're not around. 

You are not funny if you embarrass your friends with your jokes. Self irony is safe and funny. 

Enough with the self pity! 
You are cool enough to make friends. Be realistic about what friendship means. It's ok to be selective. Find friends with similar interests and ideals and most importantly: values. People of integrity that you can still keep a conversation with.
I know I am picky, but I don't have to talk only to people I co sider my friends, and cool enough for me to talk to. I can be the leader myself. I can give of my time to people who I think they have nothing to give me. It will always surprise me how much I have to learn from everybody. 

Be humble, be kind, be confident, and lastly: be cool. It's ok to be cool! 

Leadership from a professional stand point

Had an amazing time at the leadership meeting. I got inspired. It's amazing to be around such great talent and such great people. In the professional world, we share the same values. I can rest knowing this team by my side, and focus on the real work and advancement and keep doing what i do best.

It didn’t cross my mind before that I could ever be a retail store leader, mostly because I didn’t quite understand what it means to be one. My horizon has been broadened.
I shall keep doing what I’m doing and enjoy it.
I shall continue to build relationships with my team.
I shall strive to inspire others and never cease to voice my dreams and passions.
I don’t have to have a leader’s tag in order to be a leader today, and be confident and humble at the same time.

In so many ways I find the leadership concept easier to digest from a professional stand point. Fearless feedback is welcomed and appreciated. There is a reason for growth. You can pick and choose your team. Sounds bad but being selective it's awesome.

I don't know why I feel my hands tied up when it comes to JH. I should feel even more freedom there. I love this kids. A lot of the time they have to fight their own battles and grow from them, and I can only support them from the side. While letting their parents be. Be who and how they choose to be.