At peace

About babies. And about dreams and hopes.
These past few months Conrad and I have purposefully tried to conceive. And as that time of month approached, I caught myself saying, please please please God, let it be this month. Holding my breath, until the verdict was out, always negative.
We all have the tendency and the desire to protect ourselves from disappointment. But how we do it s different from person to person. I know that I rationalize things, I detach myself and look at the issue at hand from afar, as if I tried to look at the whole picture.
I am happy with everything that happened on my journey so far, including and especially the hard times, of financial trouble, of hating my job, of deep depression because of it, of missing home, of making the rash decision of going to Romania in the winter for three months, and just surviving through those times. I am grateful and I truly trust my Script Writer.

After studying the Story of Abraham, and how God promised him a son that all be a blessing for the nations. and from his son. down the linen Jesus was born and /he was a blessing and still is a blessing to the nations, many thousands of years later.
God didn't promise me children. Not that I remember. But God is able and in control of absolutely everything that is within us and happens to us. I caught myself wondering, what if I can't have babies, or what if Conrad can't. or what if our mix isn't catching... and all these questions could undermine my day to day life. I can't spend my time worrying. We can give it time, trust God and just have fun in the mean time.
Open hands, that's how my relationship with God is. I patiently wait for him. Open hand so he can put someting in them or take from them.
I can't and I won't manipulate God. The "Please please please" prayer is a stubborn child's prayer. God knows my heart. He hears my voice.
My work on earth is just in its initial chapter. I know I am impacting lives every day. I represent God's kingdom with every word I say, every serving act, every leading action. I have a purpose already. I pray that one day God will commission me to bring child into this world, I pray that my children will be courageous children of God. But everything else is in God's hands. And that's truly comforting.

I am grateful every day for Conrad, for the blessing of his companionship, for how God uses us in each other's lives to become more like Him.

I am at peace. I am happy. I am grateful. I am already fulfilled. And the journey continues.