We all long for an audience. We believe that if someone else will witness our lives, they will be more meaningful. Then why do we long for solitude as well? We often call out time of rest, time to recharge our batteries, to get back on stage with a happy smile. Smiling when you don't feel like it can be quiet draining. Isn't it?
At the same time, we don't want to dance to someone else's music. We want to be the masters of our fate. We want to feel powerful, we want to wrote our play as we go along and act in it.
I say I am independent, and I cant care less for other people's opinions, but that's not true. I am quiet receptive to feedback and my surrounding's reactions. I think the trick is to learn to discern between the things that that matter and the opinions that matter. And take action accordingly. We ought to be aware of who we are, and that we are constantly changing, as everything else around us changes. And yet we never adapt our moral and conscience. Unless to make it stand more straight. We need to have a constant in our lives. And how do we determine it? How do we keep it I our sight? How do we hold on to it? Who is our unchanged constant? I say God. I don't believe in god because he gives me this warm Fuzzy feeling when I go to sleep. Or not just for that reason at least. Every day we make choices, every day we live in a tough world that we want to leave our mark in. And god is always around. Even when nobody's looking. He is our audience. And because of Him our life has meaning.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday day off
The 2 things that relax me are hot milk and a hot bath.
I often feel compelled to challenge people. To look them in the eyes, to be blunt sometimes (I can't help it), to say outrageous true things, to be different.
On the other hand I don't particularly like conflict. But I have no problem picking a fight.
I pretend to be rebellious with buzzed hair and big earrings. Too much sweetness can be gagging. I am happy. I am so happy on the inside. My job motivates me to keep going and keep serving and smiling. Even though sometimes I feel like being grumpy...
I made Sarmale today. And I gave a portion to a friend who just had a baby. And I made soup as well. Sas soup. Tomorrow we have guests for dinner. Yay!
I often feel compelled to challenge people. To look them in the eyes, to be blunt sometimes (I can't help it), to say outrageous true things, to be different.
On the other hand I don't particularly like conflict. But I have no problem picking a fight.
I pretend to be rebellious with buzzed hair and big earrings. Too much sweetness can be gagging. I am happy. I am so happy on the inside. My job motivates me to keep going and keep serving and smiling. Even though sometimes I feel like being grumpy...
I made Sarmale today. And I gave a portion to a friend who just had a baby. And I made soup as well. Sas soup. Tomorrow we have guests for dinner. Yay!
Mesaj trunchiat nasei. Un bun rezumat.
Zilele se desfasoara Si se infasoara ca foile de placinta, Si zilele nu mai au nici inceput nici sfarsit.
Noi suntem tot pe drumuri, niciodata acasa ca Ne place la lucru prea mult.
In rest, ii fac tot felul de bunatati de mancare lui Conrad Si el ii bucuros. ...
Ne-am luat un pat mare. Primul nostru pat, cumparat de noi. Iar in rest visam. Visam la o vacanta, Asa cum Mai tot omul viseaza. Dar pana la urma vacanta noastra va fi o vizita la bunici. A fi buna Si aia, ca schimbare de rutina Si decor.
Noi suntem tot pe drumuri, niciodata acasa ca Ne place la lucru prea mult.
In rest, ii fac tot felul de bunatati de mancare lui Conrad Si el ii bucuros. ...
Ne-am luat un pat mare. Primul nostru pat, cumparat de noi. Iar in rest visam. Visam la o vacanta, Asa cum Mai tot omul viseaza. Dar pana la urma vacanta noastra va fi o vizita la bunici. A fi buna Si aia, ca schimbare de rutina Si decor.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sin, grace and pain
Sin and grace
This concept, the codependence between sin and grace, has been also on my mind. We teach very impressionable minds about god and how we relate to him, especially as sinners. A co staffer was trying to say yesterday at our meeting that sin is such a tabu topic among her 8 graders. Mostly because it is unbearable to live happily and yet fully aware of our sinful nature. And yet, god did die for us on the cross so we can be cleansed and be made holy again. And there are two extremes that we ought to be aware of. Either taking grace for granted, and without much effort on our part, think that god will always forgive and clean us, because that's what he does, taking it for granted; or be so overwhelmed in our consciousness by the sin in our lives, exacerbating it and listening to satan's whisper that we are not worthy of forgiveness. And never even dare to come to god with our burdens.
The way I found my balance in this, was to let my heart deal with the truth. And make david's prayer from the psalms: "search my heart oh god and see if I am on your path. " being honest with ourselves is a good start in being honest with god. When we ask for god's help to overcome a temptation, do we knowingly avoid that temptation or we flirt with it, and then if we fall again, we blame it on god, that he didn't save us, or he didn't give us the strength to o ercome the temptation of sin. God is omnipresent and he can see your heart. Don't let yourself be fooled by Satan.
So, that's my say in this. And if you ever experience guilt, it means that your conscience is healthy and awake. Don't shut your conscience up, but find the root of your spiritual pain. Just like a healthy body that feels pain so you can fix the sickness, not cover up the pain. That's why I don't like pain killers. They just cover up a signal that my body sends to my brain. Pain killers have their purspose only when pain is unbearable and you need help to cope with it, be in a functioning state of mind, so you can help yourself.
This concept, the codependence between sin and grace, has been also on my mind. We teach very impressionable minds about god and how we relate to him, especially as sinners. A co staffer was trying to say yesterday at our meeting that sin is such a tabu topic among her 8 graders. Mostly because it is unbearable to live happily and yet fully aware of our sinful nature. And yet, god did die for us on the cross so we can be cleansed and be made holy again. And there are two extremes that we ought to be aware of. Either taking grace for granted, and without much effort on our part, think that god will always forgive and clean us, because that's what he does, taking it for granted; or be so overwhelmed in our consciousness by the sin in our lives, exacerbating it and listening to satan's whisper that we are not worthy of forgiveness. And never even dare to come to god with our burdens.
The way I found my balance in this, was to let my heart deal with the truth. And make david's prayer from the psalms: "search my heart oh god and see if I am on your path. " being honest with ourselves is a good start in being honest with god. When we ask for god's help to overcome a temptation, do we knowingly avoid that temptation or we flirt with it, and then if we fall again, we blame it on god, that he didn't save us, or he didn't give us the strength to o ercome the temptation of sin. God is omnipresent and he can see your heart. Don't let yourself be fooled by Satan.
So, that's my say in this. And if you ever experience guilt, it means that your conscience is healthy and awake. Don't shut your conscience up, but find the root of your spiritual pain. Just like a healthy body that feels pain so you can fix the sickness, not cover up the pain. That's why I don't like pain killers. They just cover up a signal that my body sends to my brain. Pain killers have their purspose only when pain is unbearable and you need help to cope with it, be in a functioning state of mind, so you can help yourself.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
About sadness in joy
A series of events made me be more pensive and intentional in my thoughts.
First, the death of my friend Calin, and all it's implications, the people left behind, his suffering of a year and a half. They don't make sense in my head. All this just made me very sad. And I had to cope with it in a work environment where you have to be up beat and smiley. That took a toll on me. And now I hear about the health issues of a friend in romania and the emotional and physical exhaustion of another, and my best friend here was just admitted into the hospital after a seizure, with a brain tumor, out of the blue. Very scary stuff, and the fact that my faith is unmovable in god's love and care and power over all things, makes me unsure of the source of my confidence. Is it because it's not me lying on that hospital bed, or it's not me who lost a husband. But then I visualize god's loving eyes, and I remember my journey with Him for the last 27 years, and I think, maybe I do trust god, and my rest in him is not fake. I am so passionate about who god is! And I fell this passion even more especially when I meet with Him in a community of adolescents. I remember so clearly my first encounter with god and the joy of being forgiven and cleansed and loved and accepted.
First, the death of my friend Calin, and all it's implications, the people left behind, his suffering of a year and a half. They don't make sense in my head. All this just made me very sad. And I had to cope with it in a work environment where you have to be up beat and smiley. That took a toll on me. And now I hear about the health issues of a friend in romania and the emotional and physical exhaustion of another, and my best friend here was just admitted into the hospital after a seizure, with a brain tumor, out of the blue. Very scary stuff, and the fact that my faith is unmovable in god's love and care and power over all things, makes me unsure of the source of my confidence. Is it because it's not me lying on that hospital bed, or it's not me who lost a husband. But then I visualize god's loving eyes, and I remember my journey with Him for the last 27 years, and I think, maybe I do trust god, and my rest in him is not fake. I am so passionate about who god is! And I fell this passion even more especially when I meet with Him in a community of adolescents. I remember so clearly my first encounter with god and the joy of being forgiven and cleansed and loved and accepted.
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