At peace

About babies. And about dreams and hopes.
These past few months Conrad and I have purposefully tried to conceive. And as that time of month approached, I caught myself saying, please please please God, let it be this month. Holding my breath, until the verdict was out, always negative.
We all have the tendency and the desire to protect ourselves from disappointment. But how we do it s different from person to person. I know that I rationalize things, I detach myself and look at the issue at hand from afar, as if I tried to look at the whole picture.
I am happy with everything that happened on my journey so far, including and especially the hard times, of financial trouble, of hating my job, of deep depression because of it, of missing home, of making the rash decision of going to Romania in the winter for three months, and just surviving through those times. I am grateful and I truly trust my Script Writer.

After studying the Story of Abraham, and how God promised him a son that all be a blessing for the nations. and from his son. down the linen Jesus was born and /he was a blessing and still is a blessing to the nations, many thousands of years later.
God didn't promise me children. Not that I remember. But God is able and in control of absolutely everything that is within us and happens to us. I caught myself wondering, what if I can't have babies, or what if Conrad can't. or what if our mix isn't catching... and all these questions could undermine my day to day life. I can't spend my time worrying. We can give it time, trust God and just have fun in the mean time.
Open hands, that's how my relationship with God is. I patiently wait for him. Open hand so he can put someting in them or take from them.
I can't and I won't manipulate God. The "Please please please" prayer is a stubborn child's prayer. God knows my heart. He hears my voice.
My work on earth is just in its initial chapter. I know I am impacting lives every day. I represent God's kingdom with every word I say, every serving act, every leading action. I have a purpose already. I pray that one day God will commission me to bring child into this world, I pray that my children will be courageous children of God. But everything else is in God's hands. And that's truly comforting.

I am grateful every day for Conrad, for the blessing of his companionship, for how God uses us in each other's lives to become more like Him.

I am at peace. I am happy. I am grateful. I am already fulfilled. And the journey continues.

Septembrie la Mall

Half the church

I just finished reading half the church. I feel inspired and even more stubborn and courageous and determined. I can make a difference in the world. I want to make a difference. The abuse of weaker people in the world enrages me. Children, women, little boys and girls. And this rage I feel is holy. 
When I was little I envisioned myself lifting the mean bad people by their collar, surprising then with my strength and threatening then that if they ever do a bad thing again, they will be severely punished. And I will make sure of it. 

Funny how I still feel the same today. I have had the chance to confront people and hold my ground. God is my strength, emotional and physical. 

cards for my junior high group of girls

Assessment

I am rebellious, stubborn, courageous, inquisitive, creative, giggly, defying, independent, chic, graceful in adapting to new cultures and contexts, smart, definitely smart and humble. I know who I am, and what my purpose is in the world. I speak up and i respect silence. 

Women in the world. Women in Romania, women in America. 
I am reading a delicious, challenging book called "half the church".
And right now it talk about Ezer, the name God called the first woman, as a helper of the first man. The suitable helper. And the definitions of this word in different contexts of the bible, in the old testament. And how it is used as a army term, and god called himself the Ezer of Israel, as he came to it's rescue from the enemies. Strong helper. 
That is how I feel fir Conrad. His companion, his strong helper. Te one who loves and challenges him. I am definitely not a dependent, a liability, financial or emotional. we are all gifted in different ways, as women, as men or as couples. 
It scares me how independent I am sometimes. My life happens so much outside of my house, and I knew work will keep my husband and I physically apart, but now my ministry is taking over the little free time I have. I am fulfilled, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially ... And the little time I still get to spend with Conrad it's wonderful, but I miss him. He is now, on the balcony, on the Pampazon chair, reading. The wind is blowing, and it smells like fall, maybe because of the fog hasn't lifted yet. It's September. 
We just came back from church and I have to leave in an hour to meet with the junior high staffers. I worked yesterday ... All day. 

I am fighting to find a balance in my life: church, work, family, friends, time to be by myself, God...

Next weekend I am in Tahoe, again away from Conrad. Our married life is happy and stable and rich... And yet I always crave for more time with him. There is that nagging feeling that I don't even notice that time flies by, because everything I am involved in is so engaging and fulfilling, but I have been confronted by him, for spending so much time away from him. When half of my weekend is without fail spent at work, and half of Sunday is spent with junior high and church.... 

I am happy and challenged. 

Ziua lui Conrad -- 27 de ani

Happy Birthday Conrad!!!